Boy pushing lawnmower

 

(Imaginary job listings for setting up the website.)

 

The Student Employment Office has released its updated board of on-campus positions for students seeking work-study or hourly employment during the semester. While most openings cover standard assignments in the library, dining hall, and administrative offices, the following three job postings appear to have bypassed standard institutional oversight:

Archive Assistant, Sub-Basement Temporal Stacks

        Department: Special Collections & Institutional Memory

        Responsibilities: Responsible for cataloging historical course catalogs from semesters that have not yet occurred. Must possess a working familiarity with the Dewey Decimal System and have a stable personal timeline resistant to paradox drift. Candidates will be required to reshelve leather-bound yearbooks that attempt to absorb nearby office supplies, ensure the temperature of the archive room remains precisely at absolute zero, and politely inform visiting researchers that the year 1994 has been temporarily placed on hold.

Facilities Monitor, Liminal Hallways & Stairwells

        Department: Physical Plant Operations

        Responsibilities: Monitor and sweep non-existent staircases that occasionally manifest between the third and fourth floors of the Liberal Arts building between 2:00 a.m. and dawn. Duties include sweeping dust that falls upward, retrieving stray pens dropped by students in alternate 1980s timelines, and ensuring the door marked "Exit to Reality" remains double-locked from the outside. Candidates must supply their own non-magnetic broom; flashlights provided, though batteries will drain instantaneously upon entry.

Night Custodian, Exterior Rimrock Gravity Anchor

        Department: Geotechnical Maintenance

        Responsibilities: Conduct routine manual torquing and lubrication of the four massive, invisible iron bolts anchoring the city of Billings to the tectonic shelf beneath the university campus. Applicants must not be prone to vertigo while suspended in total atmospheric voids and must be capable of polishing stone surfaces without waking the subterranean entities resting beneath the shale. Previous experience operating an industrial grease gun in zero gravity is preferred, though on-the-job training will be provided during the new moon.